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Bittersweet November: My miscarriage and our daughter's birth.


Two years ago today, Nov 6, 2016 is a day that will always be marked in my mind. We were in a serious head-on collision after a car crossed the double line. I was pregnant and in the first trimester and suffered cracked and bruised ribs among other bruises and scrapes but all in all we walked away when we probably shouldn’t have.

I was checked that night and told everything was fine. A week later I went to urgent care with spotting and was checked again. We were told it would be twins and that everything checked out. The next morning we lost the babies.

I was heartbroken among many other emotions and became angry at what happened and angry at my body still healing and seriously bruised. While it was bad enough the emotions around losing them, I had the daily physical struggle and pain of my slow healing injuries.

I hate the word miscarriage because it minimizes the weight and depth of the experience and makes it all too easy to feel blame. We will never know whether it was caused by the car accident or just their time to return home. I spent many nights and hours after that in prayer and tears, doing soul work and healing.

When we found out a few months later that we were expecting again I was terrified of losing this one too and took extra care all throughout my pregnancy, anxious about doing anything to trigger another miscarriage. Initially due a year to the day of our car accident, we were blessed to welcome our sweet little one a year to the day (and almost to the hour) that her siblings returned to our home above. A bittersweet day and a promise fulfilled, there is so much beauty in His plan for us that we can’t always see but need to trust in. My heart will always miss our twins and I will always wonder who they would be today but I am also so grateful to them for bringing us their sister.

 
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